What's the Best Way to Prepare for a Big NIght of Drinking?

People often ask me, "What's the best way to prepare for a big night of drinking?" Even before my days as an Unemployed Landscape Architect, I was well versed in this subject. There are a lot of myths and old wives' tails out there that will get you nowhere in my opinion. After all, your plan is to go out and drink copious amounts of alcohol. There is no safeguard to ensure you're operating at 100% the next morning. There is going to be an impact. However, there are steps you can take that are proven through empirical evidence to lessen the impact of the booze and speed up your recovery time.

First Step: Practice early and often.
The most important thing to do before going out and giving it your all is to practice, practice, practice. Think about it. In any sport one has to put in the time to be good at what they do. Do you think bowlers are born natural athletes? No, they spend years perfecting their craft and sculpting their bodies, even if it means "rolling on Shabbos" occasionally. So you don't have the depth of experience you'd like and you've got a big night coming up. Well, I am a firm believer in the "micro-tolerance". That's right, micro-tolerance. Ever notice when you go on a couple day drunk how the hangover is always worse after the first night and the pain lessens the subsequent mornings. Walla, micro-tolerance. You're body builds up a natural defense to the chemicals because it sees that you are beginning to lead a very different lifestyle and doesn't know how long it will take before you finally get another job...er, whatever. It's like conditioning for athletes. You're always stiff and soar the first day back training, but your body gets used to it after awhile.

Number Two: Get a Good Base In.
Make sure you eat food of substance before going out. Salad, sushi, soup...all delicious, but no go on a big night of drinking. You need a good burger, some pasta or anything else that is going to be able to absorb some booze. Stay away from the S's. Also, make sure that you eat well in advance, say an hour or two. It's best to have things settled so as to not upset the curing process. When laying a good foundation, you've got to make sure the concrete is dry before building upon it.

Step C: Stay Away from Sugarry Drinks.
Overloading your body on sugar, whether you're drinking or not, inhibits your body from metabolizing, thus giving you a pretty nasty headache. If you weren't drinking, you wouldn't suck down 12 glasses of Coca Cola in a matter of hours, would you? Think about that next time and maybe opt for a different mixed drink that doesn't call for soda or drink your booze straight. Be fore-warned though, the type of liquor you choose can contribute to headaches too. Rums, Brandys, American Whiskeys and white wines are generally high in sugar content. They have the potential to hurt you. Unless you're Puerto Rican like my friend Marcus. Rum is like spinach to that guy. General rule of thumb, the clearer or more transparent your drink, the more refined the alcohol is and the less chance of giving you a bad hangover. Antecedent to all of this, it's always a good rule of thumb to drink water throughout the night. Don't be fooled by naysayers. This is not a pussy move. Dehydration is a killer and another leading cause to headaches in the morning. This will prolong your night and will be extremely beneficial in the long run.

Finally: You're Wasted...Now What?
Ok, you drank the wine, you did the shots, you went home with that girl everyone told you you shouldn't have (can't help you there), now what? It's not a bad idea to cap everything off with a nice gyro sandwich, slice of pizza or 3am breakfast. This in effect accomplishes much of what having a good base does. See B. As far as the next day goes, hopefully you're not waking up too painfully. Side note, It does get worse with age. To speed up the recovery, consume quality, healthy substances. Drink fruit juice, eat a healthy breakfast, work out if you can stand it. It's all about purging the toxins. Very similar to phytoremediation as all you ecologists and landscape architects know. Planting the right tree species in contaminated soil can absorb the toxins and alleviate the problem. Eating the right foods will kick start your recovery...if that's what you're going for. If you're thinking you had a good go and want to keep your newly established micro-tolerance going, then go have a bloody mary.

p.s. don't fall in love with any waitresses whilst out. They are friendly and helpful because they have to be, not because they're impressed with how many Irish Car Bombs you've consumed. - Anecdotal evidence once again.

What is the Sound of One Hand Clapping?

People often ask me, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" This is a common Zen Koan. Some surmise that there is no answer. Some believe the answer to be silence. Others say it means everything and nothing all at the same time. It is, in truth, a philosophical riddle meant to focus our minds and drown out the external noise of everyday life.

If asked this question again, I would propose an alternative question to the person asking me. "What is the sound of one fist punching?" Then I'd punch him in the face.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

People often ask me, "What's Love Got To Do With It?" The answer, plain and simple, is absolutely nothing. You see, love itself, though a sweet old fashioned notion, is in fact just a second-hand emotion. Besides, who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

I implore you on this upcoming day of St. Valentine to look past your private dancer and your St. Vitus dance and get beyond the Thunderdome. For we don't need another hero. We don't need to know the way home.

Remember, you're simply the best! Better than all the rest.

But do remember to tip your waitress.

How many martinis is the appropriate number to imbibe?

People often ask me "How many martinis is the appropriate number to imbibe?" This is a subjective question contingent upon many variables including body weight, tolerance, presence or absence of food, and of course the quality of the alcohol and the proficiency of the individual mixing them. I am a Hendrick's Gin man myself, though presented with the unavailability of the cucumber garnish, I have been known to rock the Bombay from time to time.

Subjective as this answer may be, there is a general rule of thumb - much like the rules of proportion in landscape architecture. These rules, derived from the writings of Pythagoras (c. 530 BC), the Golden Ratio, The Fibonacci Series, amongst others, support the notion that proportion is inherent in nature. That being said, we need only look to the female form, perhaps nature's greatest creation, for the answer. Martini's are like a woman's breasts, one is not enough and three is too many. At least that's what my friend's father once told me.

Cheers!

How do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?

A lot of people come up to me and ask. "How do you afford your Rock and Roll lifestyle?" At first it was rather flattering to field such an inquiry. It had never occurred to me that my personal style and general demeanor elicited such a reaction. After fielding the question a couple of times with some modest shrugs and a crooked smile I began to really wonder what it is in particular about me that is so "Rock and Roll"? Is it my general disregard for pop culture? My preference for track lighting? Or my proclivity for both Laphroaig Scotch, the most sophisticated of the Islay single malt variety, and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, proud recipients of the 1893 award for best beer at the Chicago World's Fair. ...or maybe it's the Apple River trip that will go down in infamy as the occasion I shot-gunned 27 beers and won, by unanimous vote, the Rock and Roll Leg Kick Contest. Upon further reflection, I think I can firmly say that the latter is the most likely explanation.

So with the question of why people feel I lead such a "Rock and Roll lifestyle" answered, I can move on to the question of how I afford it. The answer, though blowing in the wind at times, is a delicate balance of the following....

1. The money I saved from switching to Gieco

2. Cheap beer

3. My fondness of the band Cake

3. A general disregard towards my own health and self-interest

...and

4. Humility. Lots of it.

Many of you may know that there is a song by the band Cake of the title "Rock and Roll Lifestyle". A friend of mine once told me that the song reminded him of me. Once again, I was flattered at first, but quickly began to realize that this was sort of a back-handed compliment as the song lyrics are quite sarcastic. In retaliation I later told him his life reminded me of some of the posts on the blog site called Unhappy Hipsters. I was somewhat satisfied with this, but may spontaneously punch him in the face some day anyways.

Greetings

Over the past year I have had a lot of time on my hands... a lot. I have studied philosophy, religion, history, science, and have explored many of the Universe's greatest questions; from "What is the meaning of life" to "What's in the back of the refrigerator". Only recently had I considered my cosmic investigation to be of any value to others concerned with life's great mysteries. Alas, I have established a place for the masses to bring forth their concerns, curiosities and the questions that penetrate their very being. As an unemployed landscape architect, a man of great lineage and high moral fiber (not to mention a snappy dresser), I feel that I am well qualified to guide you all on your great journey through the bowels of existence. Please let me know how I can assist you on your journey and as always, remember to tip your waitress.